Thanks for the Mammaries

Yes. This post is all about the boobies. So if that topic makes you squirm, you may wanna go back where you came from.

I remember when a dear friend of mine had her first baby 5 years ago, my Mom making a comment. Something like: "Wow, she got the hang of breast feeding really quickly. She didn't seem to have any problems at all." It struck me as strange at the time. This was only 5 years ago (making me a naive 24, I suppose). I had just always assumed that breastfeeding was what Mom's did. That it was just ingrained in us as women and there where no obstacles involved. It was then that I started paying attention to my other friends that were becoming Mothers. I heard their struggles and their triumphs in regards to their adventures in breastfeeding and realized it was something a lot of Mom's really have to fight for and try to work at (at least for those first grueling weeks). And even then, sometimes it's just way more trouble than it's actually worth for some.

Leading up to the birth of Hayden I desperately wanted to breastfeed. I was also incredibly worried that I wouldn't be able to.  I remember our first attempts shortly after her birth. It felt SO awkward! It felt far from "natural." At least for me. At least at first. We took her home and kept at it. Every 2-3 hours.  Her latch wasn't perfect. Her little mouth was so teeny and my nipples were ridiculously large!  That bad latch resulted in much pain and some bleeding. OUCH!! The light water pressure from the shower was even enough to nearly bring me to tears. And I definitely had moments of weakness. I remember sitting on the edge of the couch at 3am, boobs out, crying to Chris about how tired I was and how much it hurt. Thinking "no wonder women just GIVE UP!" He listened to my whining and blubbering, then reminded me of why I was doing it. Reminded me of ALL the reasons I wanted so desperately to do it in the first place. For HER. Reminded me that it would get better in a couple of weeks. Told me to hang in there, that he loved me, and that I COULD do it. And I did. WE did it. I was gonna stop breastfeeding after I returned to work when Hayden was 4 & 1/2 months. I am proud to say we've lasted 11 months, work and all! And after those first few weeks, I really enjoyed the closeness and the bond that breastfeeding enabled my Daughter and myself to have.

That being said, I'm pretty sure we've got just got a week or so left to go. I'm pumping very little milk at work. My milk supply is dwindling and Hayden is eating solid foods and drinking out of a sippy cup like a champion. I am so proud of her independence, but ending this chapter in our lives is definitely bittersweet.  I think a little piece of me is actually gonna be pretty sad once it's all said and done.

Things I will NOT miss about breastfeeding:

1.  Having lopsided breasts

2.  Toting a pump to and from work or cleaning it's parts constantly

3.  Pumping at work (it's can be a bit awkward at times)

4.  The milk let-down

5.  Wearing breast pads

6.  Nursing bras (so not sexy!)

7.  Hayden's likes to bite. Enough said.

Things I WILL miss about breastfeeding:

1.  The extra calorie intake I was allowed

2.  Those moments when she looks up at me, touches my face and smiles that sweet baby Hayden smile

3.  Looking like I had breast implants when they where "full"

4.  The fact that feeding her was pretty much free.

5.  The super quick soothing forces of "the boob"

6.  Knowing all the good stuff she's getting from breast milk

7.  That 6:30am feeding that allows me at least 1 more hour of sleep.

Moms, what do you miss (or what do you think you will miss) about breastfeeding? Did you wish you could breastfeed again after weaning?

The Song is Ended, but the Melody Lingers On...

The history of our grandparents is remembered not with rose petals but in the laughter and tears of their children and their children's children.  It is into us that the lives of grandparents have gone.  It is in us that their history becomes a future.  ~Charles and Ann Morse

The Proulx Family lost their beloved Matriarch on March 9, 2011. My Grandma Proulx passed away peacefully in her sleep at 11:15pm in Palm Springs, Ca. This post is for her.

Some of my fondest memories as a child are those I spent with my Grandma Proulx. I remember spending weekends with her. Just her. No Mom or Dad or little Brother. Grandma and I would play "Go Fish" or swim in the  pool. She'd take me to the grocery store where she'd let me choose a toy, game or coloring book and we'd buy macaroni and cheese and Kool Aid for lunch/dinner. She'd let me dress up in her pumps and dresses and play with her make-up. I remember her lipsticks were in pretty, somewhat tarnished silver cases. They had an old, waxy smell. I remember playing "Christmas" with her. I'd wrap her jewelry up in little packages and she'd humor me by opening them like they were new treasures. I remember calling my Mom after a day or two with Grandma and begging to stay another day.  I wish I could have another day with her now more than ever. I want to wrap my arms around her. See her smile. Hear her laugh. Tell her one more time how much I love her and what she means to me. It's hard to lose somebody you love.
These photos are from last August. Hayden was 4 months old at the time. I am beyond grateful Hayden had a chance to meet her Great Grandma Proulx. The memories of her cuddling Hayden, singing her songs and reading her stories are ones that I will cherish forever. These photos are absolute treasures to me and will be to her as well some day. I wish I had taken a million more....

Grandma, Aunt Jo & Hayden



Holland & Grandma

Grandma Proulx, Aunt Julie & Juliana

Below is an exerpt from her obituary:

She loved to paint, garden, read, laugh hard, sit in the warm sunshine, do jigsaw puzzles, listen to music, drink wine, and watch the sun set in the desert landscape. Jean was an independent soul, a devoted mother, grandmother, great grandmother, sister, friend, mother-in-law, and wife. With the many struggles she faced throughout her life she endured and made the best she could of every situation. She is dearly loved and will be missed by all that new her and appreciated her lively spirit.

My Grandma was a beautiful spirit and my heart is sad that I will never see her again. For now, I will celebrate her laughter, her love, her life and her spirit.  This weekend I will poor a glass of Chardoney add a few ice cubes and turn on a little Hank Williams. I'm sure she'd like that.... 

I love you Grandma Proulx and I will hold you in my memory and in my heart  forever and ever. 

 Myra "Jean" Wallace Proulx

February 19, 1936 - March 9, 2011

I Have A Confession

My 10 month old doesn't sleep through the night. There. I said it. She has got me whooped! Bad Mommy! I know. I could give you a slew of excuses for it.

But, here are my top 2:

1. I'm a working Mom and don't mind seeing her multiple times throughout the night for feedings. I feel it makes up for lost time some how. Working Mom guilt. Ugh!
2. We have gotten her sleep trained on a few occasions in the past but have back peddled due to colds, teething and ear infections.

I put off even TRYING sleep training for as long as I possibly could. She was probably ready for it long before I was. I don't know how you other Mommas feel out there, but teaching my baby to "cry-it-out" is the closest thing to torture that I have ever exprerienced. 

This is usually how it goes:

It starts with the standard bedtime routine.  Bath, jammies, book, boob, bed. About 99% of the time I'm able to nurse her to sleep. Another no, no, you say? You're probably right. I'll worry about that one later. One hurdle at a time. Thank you. As I was saying, it's all good until....she wakes up just a couple of hours later.  I give her a kiss, tell her it's okay, lie her back down and tell her it's bedtime. I leave the room. She proceeds to scream in protest. Let the torture commence! I sit on the couch in the living and hope it subsides as quickly as possible. It's tolerable at first but the longer it lasts, the longer I have to think up a reason why I HAVE to go in and SAVE her: 

Maybe she's teething.
Maybe she has an ear ache.
Maybe her little arm/foot is stuck in the crib slats.
Maybe I didn't feed her enough and she's  STARVING.
Maybe she has a tummy ache.
Maybe she pooped and needs a daiper change. 
Maybe she misses me cause I worked all day and she only got see me for a few hours today.
Maybe, maybe, maybe....

Before I had a baby I had NO idea the kind of response a parent has to the cry of their very own child!  It BLOWS!
Everything in my being just wants to go in there and stick a boob in her mouth to quiet all of that racket! But alas, instant gratification is not good for her or me. At least not for the long term....

That being said. We have started down the road to sleep once again. We started working at it the night before last and we're definitly making progress. Maybe my skin is thickening. Maybe I'm just getting honest with myself about how much I REALLY do miss sleeping for more than 3-4 hours at a time. She woke up twice last night and I let her cry herself back to sleep. I think tonight she might just sleep THE WHOLE night. I'm kinda looking forward to a little REM sleep again....